the door i never tried: Naymul Islam

notes to myself. about problems i never try to solve.

the door

a door you walk past every day. you decided long ago it is locked. you have never once pulled the handle.

that is what i do with my biggest problems.

it feels like weather. a fact about the world. not a door at all.

i never weigh it up and decide against it. i flinch before i get that far.

what i want my life to be. my health. my work. being lonely.

i will fix a small squeaky thing today and leave the big door shut for a year.

i am not trying to get through. i am trying to see what is behind it.

open it is a heavy phrase. look at it is not. and you can start anywhere.

quiet room. phone somewhere else.

for most of my big doors i have never given ten honest minutes. so i do not know if they are locked. i only know they feel locked.

an hour is cheap. lose it and i lost an hour. win it and years change.

blank page. write everything you think about it. no standards.

write the problem out as if you were explaining it to someone. the holes show themselves.

imagine it is a month later and the door is open. what happened in between.

ask a friend for the obvious first thing. they say it in five seconds and you have dodged it for five years.

list ten things you could try. pick one. run it for a week. a failed one still tells you the shape of the room.

what is the most important problem in my life. why am i not working on it.

no good answer means a shut door.

or imagine a stranger living my life. what would i tell them to go and open.

a few problems are too big for now. that is real.

but you cannot tell from this side. you find out by pulling the handle once.

my instinct is to work on whatever is in front of me. small things get done. big doors stay shut.

so when i catch myself complaining about something i have never given an hour to i book the hour.